After Jeremy left, I walked around the apartment in a daze of disbelief. It was astounding to me I had sat there in a sea of calm while breaking both of our hearts. We had always been friends since the first day nearly five years ago. More than friends, amazing lovers and friends.That’s what I didn’t want anymore? Confusion emerged and wrapped around my head. It was not nice. I wondered if there was an important part of my psyche I didn’t understand or didn’t even know existed. Who else could I blame? Nothing was making sense. Wasn’t it insane to throw love out the window? It was love, wasn’t it? But now, the deed being done, I felt something serious broken inside and broken means pain and realized Marian wouldn’t hesitate to take advantage of my suffering.
The thought of Marian and the fact time had disintegrated from morning to afternoon into dusk, meant it was time to leave. I found my jeans, sweater, socks and everything and dressed, each movement a distress signal. I thought maybe I should pack some things but Jeremy might be home soon and I was not in any shape to face him. Looking for anything other than Jeremy to think about I remembered a whim whisked through my mind the night I returned from the party and bought a pack of cigarettes. I put on my blue wool pea coat and felt the pack and matches in my side pocket. I took one, lit up, looked around my sad kitchen, blew out the match, and threw it to the floor.
It was a welcome relief to be outside. I needed air. I threw my half-smoked butt into the gutter and lit another. The nicotine in my blood felt motivating but I stood on the edge of the curb like a junkie.
“I’m going to call Marian,” I said out loud to no one.
But the next second I realized Marian was the furthest thing from what I wanted. I began to walk slowly up thirtieth avenue into the busy stream of foot traffic. “This is something I need.” I wondered when I began to speak out loud to myself. It didn’t matter. It felt therapeutic. “I’m glad I’m doing something for me.”

Up ahead in the next block I caught sight of a joint I didn’t know. The sign was one word: BAR. Green neon. When I reached the entrance I saw it was crowded. “This looks right.” Inside the people were friendly. I stood back to not immediately attract the bartender’s attention. I couldn’t help but notice behind the long bar was a bar length gleaming mirror. I ventured a good look at myself. My dark brown hair, beginning to curl at the ends from the moisture in the air, rested on my shoulders.“I think I look pretty,” and felt great relief I wasn’t able to see the complex chaos in my mind. Thinking this I walked up to order my drink.
I saw the bartender was a fashionable woman. She wore silver hoops in her ears and shiny silver rings on several fingers. Her hair was a long dyed dark black ponytail. She gave me a warm smile.
“Hello, What are you having today?”
“What do you have for a broken heart?”
“I have a lovely Grey Goose martini that just might help you forget.”
“I’ll have one.”
“Good choice.”
The bartender acted swiftly with practiced moves and fixed the drink in front of me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “You probably get the broken heart line too often but there is a broken part of me. It’s not nice. I mean it all just happened today and was a goddamn nightmare. I need to talk with someone because I have no idea what else to do. I hope you don’t mind. We don’t even know each other. I’m Heather.”
“Hello Heather, I’m Nicole. I’m truly sorry about your situation and I don’t mind at all if you need me to listen. It’s kind of my job.” She repeated her warm smile.  “Do you want to start a tab?”
“Yes, Nicole, I think I do.”
I passed my debit card to Nicole. The guy sitting next to me got up to leave. He reminded me of Jeremy but I thought right now any guy would remind me. He slipped into his brown leather jacket and stared at me a minute too long. I ignored him, draped my coat over my stool and settled in. The martini Nicole made was good medicine. It looked like an ad in a magazine. She even dropped in a few pimento stuffed olives that I’d wanted but forgot to request.
I sat numb and still as the vodka rushed in. Later, after the second, I found I was smiling at Nicole. The initial disbelief, surprise, and horror, had begun to slide ever so slowly into my martini glass. I watched Nicole make drinks and chat up people at the bar. She seemed so cool, flawless, and happy. Would happy ever visit me again?

“Nicole, I’m going to have one more. They are panacea but my concern is shouldn’t I begin to feel a weight rise off me once a life-changing decision is made?” I pushed my empty glass to her.
“So far I’m not getting it. Feeling like a piece of shit run over by a garbage truck is not my idea of relief.”
“I don’t think you should judge yourself too harshly.” Nicole’s green eyes glistened. “This decision must have been something you wanted. Something you considered for a long time but didn’t have the courage to face. I mean it didn’t just occur to you overnight, did it?”
“Yes and no. I mean it could have been a long time, it could have been overnight. Among all my fears is I may have let myself be manipulated, which is another reason I’m such a mess. My boss, Marian is a very persuasive person. I learned she usually gets what she wants and in this drama what she wanted was me. Nicole, I never knew something in my subconscious had shifted and I never knew a major life change was dangling in front of me and sure as hell neither did my boyfriend. Fuck. Now I’ve gone and talked myself right back into the whirlpool I was hoping I left behind.” I wiped a tear with my index finger and then slowly rubbed it around the lip of my glass.
“Heather, do you want my two cents?”
“Yes.”
“I only know what you’ve told me but if I were you I would take time to sort out your shit. This is obviously a very complicated situation for you. I know about complicated situations. Take as much time as you need. I know you’re smart enough to figure it all out. Don’t dwell on whatever is broken. I would keep that in mind. And I’m here every night but Sunday. If I can help in any way… maybe we could be friends.”
“Jesus, Nicole, the one thing I did right today was walking up the avenue and finding your sympathetic soul. Thank you.” I stood up, a little wobbly, and wrapped myself into my pea coat.
“Of course. Here’s your tab. I only charged you for two. I hope you get through the rest of the evening and don’t cry too much.”