We here at the NAFA (National Association for Fetus Armament) are delighted by the recent ruling by the Supreme Court and subsequent advancement of said ruling by individual states. As you may know, in their infinite wisdom, the Supreme Court has ruled that abortions are not to be permitted except on a state-by-state basis. This is clearly a step in the right direction based on the original thoughts of the founding fathers. However, we believe drastic further steps are needed to defend our current gains. Outlawing plan B abortion bills, containing a state’s populace to that state to limit the possibility of crossing from one state to another (building razor-wire walls between states is an option). Containing all pregnant women in a gated pit is an option (they may or may not be asked to fight each other to the death while being live-streamed—potential source of revenue!).

In particular, we are concerned still that individual mothers in individual states may yet attempt the horrific and barbaric practice now made constitutionally illegal. Since it is very difficult for an individual fetus to stop such a practice on his or her own without assistance, and in consideration that the second amendment was recently upheld as nationally applicable, we would like the Supreme Court to consider an addendum to the recent decision that also allows for the individual fetus to bear arms in case they are held hostage by the WO (womb operator) against their will. This would be purely for the sake of self-defense, of course, against any intrusions that attempt to terminate the pregnancy, but we at the NAFA believe this is a crucial next step so that, in the event of any brazen attempts to break the law, the fetus can use his or her constitutional right to defend their right to be born.

One might express concern that arming fetuses seems a bit rash–for instance, we do not unfortunately arm kindergarteners (yet!). However, nothing but a firearm skillfully deployed would stop a mother bent on destroying her unborn child. We know this as a result of recent studies which suggest that mothers intent on abortion are very seldom dissuaded. A handgun may change that equation!

Some may also worry that arming a fetus seems difficult at best and far-fetched at worst. However, we at the NAFA are in the process of funding a training center for fetuses interested in expressing their constitutional right to carry and conceal. To attend a clinic the fetus simply must carefully hypnotize the bearer of the womb and prod them to drive to the location posted on our website. At the training center fetuses will receive a tiny, light-weight handgun vis-a-vie our three dimensional printer. After a weekend session in which the fetus will learn best practices and safety lessons, he or she will be ready to bear arms (we reiterate, please be mindful of the umbilical cord–that is an important safety consideration).

Though it may seem counter-intuitive, NAFA is womb operator-friendly also. Not all of the dangers that might threaten a fetus come from the WO. Think about it: you are a mother with a young, unprotected fetus. What is stopping another woman, say who cannot reproduce because she was irresponsible in college, from nabbing your fetus away from you when you are asleep or hypnotized or when you are binge-watching the latest Netflix stream? But if your fetus is strapped and standing at attention? This provides one more layer of protection from any unwarranted loitering and/or fetus-napping attempts.

In case you are concerned that this seems quite speculative and otherworldly even, please see our website at NAFA.org where you will find all the specific details on our recent studies and trials pertaining to the success of such fetus armament. In one memorable situation worth mentioning, a mother attempted to make an appointment with an abortion clinic. The fetus, hearing the conversation through the uterine lining, withdrew his firearm and pressed it firmly against the inside of the womb bearer. The mother felt the directness of the opposition and hung up the phone. In another instance, the womb bearer attempted to illegally abort (in a rogue state) but the fetus, sensing the impending violence, presented the firearm by poking it into her belly and the murdering doctor ceased and desisted with all activities.

The most difficult cases are those where the fetus would like to express his or her constitutional right and the mother would rather suppress such a right. In this instance, if the Supreme Court could add our requested addendum to their recent decision, NAFA would happily support the unborn fetus with a free personal firearm (our treat–we believe that such a gift would yield future dividends both for society and for the individual strapped fetus). Or: think of a situation where, lord forbid, the WO is accosted by an individual who wants to take advantage of her. Guess what? Little does the aggressor know but there is an armed fetus inside her secret place ready to pop a cap into his little willy.

We realize that it may seem unlikely that a fetus could learn how to fire a sidearm properly while still in the WO. However, a cooperative WO will learn that even the most awkward fetus can be trained to hold a trigger and squeeze. Yes, it involves weeks of focused training and, yes, the firearm might, at times, accidentally discharge. However, in most cases the fetus learns to hold the firearm in the crook of their little arms and to only pull the trigger in case of abject emergency (these are, of course, often indicated by the WO shrieking and/or wild chemical dislocation sensed hormonally.) There is also the issue of ammunition, in case the fetus fires many rounds. Firearms and ammunition are, of course, delivered vaginally through the WO on an as-needed basis (we have a team making regular rounds).

Some might also wonder if the recoil of a given shot might damage the uterus or even injure the fetus. We have put our top-notch specialists on this task and determined that this is not the case. First of all, the firearms delivered to most fetuses will be reminiscent of tiny Derringers from the Wild West days. These are not powerful guns, only effective as a last-resort measure with an accompanying means of surprise. According to Fetus Recoil: Ammunition or Abortion by W.C. Bartleby only twenty-seven point eight nine percent of fetuses are injured by recoil or misfire–a worthwhile downside when weighed against a world in which fetuses are at the mercy of their Womb Operators for protection.

Of course what we really need is an understanding that for both the Womb Operator and the fetus firearms are the best protection–and a trained firearm-proficient fetus who is a skilled marks-pre-infant is the best of all scenarios. This is why we propose shooting ranges for all fetuses beginning at the age of three months. Of course, some fetuses at this point in development are part chicken or lizard and/or do not yet have hands or fingers. However, this is where mouths come in handy. If your standard quadriplegic can shoot an Uzi, so can a healthy fetus.

We at the NAFA believe not only that all fetuses must come to term, but that all fetuses should have the right to bear arms, as the United States Constitution clearly proclaims. Our world will be much safer from crime and aborted pregnancies if fetuses were finally given the rights dearly due to them. Some have claimed that the United States is becoming like the Handmaid’s Tale, a world in which women are controlled by a sinister quorum of men. One can only hope! We at the NAFA view this novel as a kind of utopian handbook, not a dystopian nightmare. Now if only we can get WOs to relinquish the right to vote and to wear those constraining hats. There is always room for improvement! In the meantime, we will continue to keep the faith, hoping for a future in which fetuses can wrest full freedom from those WOs who imprison them.