Nathan Leslie

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A Karen Q & A

Who are you?

We are the Karen Association, publicly funded via donations from the approximately 1.56 million Karens living in the United States. We at the esteemed Karen Association believe Karen to be the absolute loveliest name in the English language and we fully defend its sanctity. Unfortunately, Karens have come under violent assault in recent years; we view this violence as symptomatic of a bigoted anti-Karen culture which wrongly views the name Karen as something from another era and symbolic of something awful. We reject these stereotyped views of Karens.

What is the history of the name Karen?

Karen the name goes way back to ancient Norway, where there once lived the famous Queen Karen, who always carried her bow and arrow (even when she went shopping in town and was desperate for a more becoming do) and she developed a problem with the ungrateful peasants complaining about not eating for two weeks. How dare they! She gave them everything they wanted in life. We can all use a diet now and then.

What are some related names to Karen?

Caryn. Caren. Karin. Karyn. Karina. Kern. Kernal.

Did you know that Karen was once the third most popular name in the United States?

It is true. Only Jennifer and Sue topped the once-lofty Karen. But we believe Karen to be better.

Why are people now so racist against Karens?

It has to do with that Karen who went full-Karen. You know the one. Yes, that was over-the-top but, you know. She was upset. Ok, so the name Karen will not be super-popular for a while and surely there will be a downtick, but we at the Karen Association fully hope this will change soon and perhaps with an infusion of coolness (if any celebrities care to name their babies Karen instead of Fuzz or Number Orange we would be appreciative and may even be able to offer some kind of Karen remuneration).

Do we feel this is unfair against those named Karen?

Indeed we do. Those born with the surname Karen cannot help their surname. If you would like all Karens to change their name to something else, they can. However, is there something inherently less annoying about Franny or Rosalyn? Or Betty Sue? There are surely Karens out there who are named something less Kareny but who are still Karens. Also, we recommend Becky as a Karen substitute. Beckies are five times as annoying as Karens and they blog about it.

Why do we like the sound of the name Karen?

We do because it sounds like Corn when spoken with a regional twang (aka incorrectly). We at the Karen Association like Corn. It sounds both hard and soft at once, beginning with that hard K and landing softly with the EN in a sonorous field of daisies.

Can boys also be named Karen?

Abso-Karen-Lutely. In parts of Eastern Europe and the Middle-East, yes. Are boy Karens also Karens in the negative connotation of the word? We don’t know–but call a Karen a Karen in Damascus and you might find yourself in hot water. This is a potential Karen growth area. In our great country, unfortunately, Karens are always assumed to be women. Which is wrong.

Who are some famous Karens who are not annoying?

Karen Allen. We loved her in Superman back in the day. There are others, but lest we seem like a Karen, we will let you use your Internet abilities to discover the many other worthy Karens. Find those Karens!

How do you feel about Karen-negativity?

We don’t like it. If we can select another name to substitute for annoying, entitled personalities that would be great. We would happily substitute Emily as the new Karen. All the Emilys we know act uppity as though the world is doing them a favor for existing–maybe that is just us. Think about the Emilys you know and see if we are wrong. We are not wrong. Also, we at the Karen Association are not at all a fan of Vickies. Vickies are inevitably snooty, upper-crust wanna be Lexus drivers who tip poorly and hire nannies to do their dirty work. We at the Karen Association hope one day Karen might again be a name fit for a queen.

Is there anything we can do to resurrect the name Karen?

March upon the hospitals and Lamaze classes and demand that all pregnant women consider the name Karen for their female (or even male) babies. Stop the anti-Karen bigotry in its tracks.

Glocks for Gorillas, Pistols for Parakeets

Much attention has been paid to the issue of school safety, per the possibility of arming teachers and administrators for the purpose of warding off yet another school massacre. Yet, we have for too long ignored the possibility that a shooter might someday target a zoo, petting zoo or pet rescue center or shelter.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but we have formulated a plan to arm the defenseless animals in case of such an event—so to possibly thwart the eventuality of an attack. Of course, not every animal is equally well-equipped to handle a firearm but as the study by Walker and Wilson shows, the animals with a higher degree of intelligence and an ability to manipulate tools can be trained how to identify a possible shooter and direct their fire while also protecting the animals of perhaps lesser intelligence and/or abilities.
In the zoo setting, for instance, chimpanzees, orangutans and gorillas can be instructed on best practices to use a basic firearm in the defense of any regional zoo. Some might argue that perhaps the zookeeper or zoo security team might be best equipped to handle such an event, however, what if the shooter neutralizes the security team and the zookeepers are trapped in the hippo house? We cannot imagine a scenario where the animals are left defenseless.
Primates have 98% of our genetic makeup and are furthermore less likely to shoot in haste or anger, as animals are innocent and devoid of human sturm und drang. Chimpanzees, for instance, have been shown to be at least as intelligent as the majority of junior high school students according to a report by Druxton and Smith, and since we argued that all Americans beginning at age five should possess a gun for their own safety, why not chimps too? This is foolproof!
If a given zoo does not, however, have a primate house or animals of higher intelligence on the premises, we recommend arming any of the animals in the horse family—zebras, etc. We all remember Mr. Ed. He could count, and if you can count, you can shoot. Some might be concerned with the ability of zebras to pull a trigger. Do not be! Zebras and other quasi-intelligent hoofed animals can be provided with positioned automatic weapons triggered by stomping upon a panel near the imbedded weapon. Zebras can also be trained to stamp on yellow when they see Man With Gun. It is that simple and according to Johnson and Jackson, only thirty-five percent of the time do the zebras shoot the incorrect person—a small price to pay for self-defense! Sixty-five percent of the time Man With Gun goes bye-bye.
Moving into the sphere of an animal rescue center or pound, we would recommend arming any and all large dogs who are, by nature, not temperamental. Golden retrievers, Labs and German Shepherds are good choices, simply because these dogs are elevated enough from the ground as to give them, potentially, the angle with which to strike a potential shooter. Canines can easily be trained to pull a drawstring with their teeth and thus engage the trigger on the automatic weapon strapped to their hind quarters. According to Whitson and Whitlow canines are more accurate than most human marksmen, showing a 78% success rate at target striking from the distance of twenty feet or less.
Training a feline to defend an animal facility is, admittedly, more difficult. However, if food treats are proffered to the feline marksman-in-training, it can potentially be quite successful. The key is training the feline at a young age when his or her brain is pliable. Otherwise, as Kelston and Able have cautioned: “A feline marksman might, if not trained correctly, mistake a gun for a dead squirrel and begin gnawing on it willy-nilly.”
Lastly, our friends in the sky and under water are also, it has been shown, apt to wield a weapon against a potential mass-shooter. A larger fish with “grippy” teeth, such as perhaps a barracuda would be our pick. We see little doubt that such an animal would be able to pick off a gun wielding maniac, as long as the barracuda is not, at the time, involved in eating the intestines of a catfish, or whatnot. The best part is that, in the case of all fish, the weapon can rest at the bottom of the tank—acting as a decoy. A full study has yet been made on training fish to shoot accurately, but many fish are smart enough to figure it out, we believe.
As for the avian family, we would choose a parrot as a prime candidate to learn how to wield a firearm. The power of a parrot’s clenched beak is something to behold and as Addison and Chartwith have recently reported, there is a precedent for parakeets and parrots in shooting firearms, especially in the case of robbery or attempted rape. Nothing would surprise a mass shooter more than getting taken out by a bird.
We hope these best practices have helped solidify the belief that animals need not wait for their human benefactors to defend themselves and their animal brethren. Please take all insights detailed above under advisement—this is still a highly speculative and, dare we say, cutting edge side of firearms usage, as Harrison’s study on guns and centipedes will illustrate. Also, please stay tuned for further information regarding bullet proof vests as pertaining to antelope and wildebeests. Still much research must be done.

The Taking Tree

I am a tiny giving boy, come to visit my new friend Tree. Tree is tall and beautiful but silent. I speak to Tree. But Tree will not answer. Trees may talk to one another via root systems or chlorophyll processing, etc., but I am getting nothing out of her. Tree is far more interested in sun and water.

I am in school and I come to visit Tree for help with my homework. Tree doesn’t even know how to add one plus one. Some help.

I am still in school and I come to visit Tree for advice on girls and help with a situation involving Emily versus Jennifer. Again, Tree offers no assistance. Instead, Tree waves her stupid arms in the air seeking attention, once again. If Tree was my mother I would be dead.

Guess what? I am still in school. But now I have to do extracurricular bullshit that Tree never had to even think about. Like sports I hate and that require running. Like clubs that involve more work and smiling. I choose the environmental club, randomly. I proceed to talk about Tree but nobody cares. They just want to focus on recycling milk cartons. I try to tell Tree about it but Tree doesn’t care either. She is too busy letting ants climb her trunk and shit.

I bring Tree a gift. It is a rotten apple, which I figure I can leave next to Tree and it will disintegrate and feed Tree. Tree doesn’t say “thank you,” or anything.

I try to rest in the shade of Tree but her leaves keep falling on me and getting in my hair.

I try to make out with Sheila under the bowers of Tree but Tree drops sticks on us, pelting poor Sheila right in the forehead once. Clearly envious.

I try to give Tree a hug but it seems I’m allergic to the bark and I break out in hives. I would like to carve my initials in Tree but if I do I will likely be fined two thousand dollars, so I just do it with my fingernail haphazardly. But it might as well be invisible.

When I get engaged, Tree doesn’t congratulate me. When I get married, Tree doesn’t attend. When Sheila and I have our first child, nothing from Tree. All she wants to focus on is her own growth and development. She suntans constantly. And when she’s not doing that she takes hippie-dippy rain baths. Selfish.

I feel abandoned by Tree. Some friend.

I decide to visit Tree to check in on her and see if she needs anything else. We’re in the process of moving and busy being parents but Tree doesn’t care. I hope gypsy moths eat her leaves. Our house is covered in hideous tan siding, like every other ugly modern house. I make sure we don’t have any trees in the yard. Unfortunately there is one old one–a cantankerous oak tree. We ponder cutting the tree down but it is venerated by the HOA, so no dice.

I visit Tree again and introduce her to our son. You would think this would perk her interest. Nope. Nothing. The sap emanating from Tree’s bark seems noxious. Call this accidental?

Our boy is grown I am about to retire and I visit Tree to tell her the news. Tree has really expanded, killing all the smaller trees and underbrush with her shade. God forbid anyone else grow in the forest other than her. Greedy.

Back at the house the stupid oak dies and falls through our dining room window, crushing the facade, also. Luckily insurance covers it but we have to live in a grubby motel by the highway for six months. Great. I mention this to Tree. It could be the wind, but I think I hear chortling.

Tree will likely live to three hundred years plus according to Wikipedia. This seems quite unjust since Tree doesn’t have to work for a living or anything. I am an old man when I visit Tree again but Tree keeps on doing its thing, regardless of whatever it is I do. I’d like to sit but there’s an ordinance against benches here now, from what I understand. I would be fine with a stump, but nothing doing.

 Nathan Leslie’s ten books of fiction include Three Men, Root and Shoot, Sibs, and Drivers, among others. He is also the author of The Tall Tale of Tommy Twice, a novel, and the poetry collection Night Sweat. Nathan’s work has appeared in hundreds of literary magazines including Boulevard, Shenandoah, North American Review, Hotel Amerika and Cimarron Review. Nathan was series editor for Best of the Web anthology 2008 and 2009 (Dzanc Books) and edited fiction for Pedestal Magazine for many years.

Nathan is the series editor of Best Small Fictions and the host of Reston Readings. His recent books of stories are The Invisible Hand (Hamilton Stone Editions, 2022) and
A Fly in the Ointment (Apprentice House, 2023).

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