always on the move. he hated sitting down so he taught standing up. he wasn’t just a big bad principal of the ridiculous school. he was also the high school english teacher the middle school history teacher the boys varsity soccer coach the bible teacher the assistant girls varsity soccer coach the boys basketball coach the camp director the pastor of northgate community church the terrorizer the meanie who made little kids cry. i cried. when he entered the room we kids would straighten our posture and stick our noses in a book. he was over six feet tall so the kindergarteners were terrified of him and his yellow teeth. his favorite form of punishment was sending kids outside to pick up leaves or trash or sticks. i never picked up trash or sticks but my brother did. he was an expert in gathering leaves and garbage bags filled with used napkins, soda cans, and bottle caps. he also liked forcing everyone do pushups if the classroom was obnoxious. he hated my brother kyle and no one knows why but if he liked you, man he really liked you and everyone would know. he was that kind of person. he hated feminists, liberals, leftists, radicals, women with dyed hair so i dyed my hair red the day i graduated high school. legends say to this day he continues to terrorize tiny humans—i see them running laps around the soccer field and sometimes a few of them are hauling garbage across the school lawn.