All Fun & Guns Until
Have you heard the one about guns?
A priest, a rabbi, and a gun walk into a bar.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Guns.
Why is six afraid of seven? Because guns.
Fuck, marry, kill: Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Guns.
How many guns does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why did the gun cross the road?
Who’s on guns?
I just flew in with my gun, and boy, are my arms tired!
Did you hear the one about the gun at the school?
When I was growing up, we had to walk three miles both ways uphill in the snow to get to school, and we couldn’t use getting shot as an excuse!
Nobody: Absolutely no one: Not a single soul on this Earth: Not even their mom: Guns: Everyone keeps asking me about my mass shooting routine, so here it is.
Guns say the darndest things.
Any guns here from out of town?
Guns woke up today and chose violence.
The last thing a gun wants to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
White guns go like this, but black guns go like this.
Your gun so fat.
I’ve heard better jokes from a gun.
You think standup’s so easy, you get up here and shoot someone.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a gun?
This gun goes to 11.
My doctor tells me I have cancer, I say I want a second opinion, and he says, oh yeah, then pulls out a gun.
Dating’s weird, right? I went out with my first gun since my divorce…that joke killed in Orlando!
Why are guns such bad drivers?
Blonde 1: Don’t tell anyone, but guns scare me. Blonde 2: Me three.
When I’m good, I’m very good… but when I have a gun, I’m better.
That’s what gun said.
A gun stole my baby!
Looks like there’s a gun missing its idiot.
What do you get when you cross a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun?
Who’s got two thumbs and a gun? This guy!
Take my gun…please!
Said no gun ever.
Keep your friends close and your guns closer.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is a gun.
Guns are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
You might be a gun if… you go anywhere and shoot someone.
Seven words you can never say on television: shit, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and gun control.
Guns get no respect.
Bitch better have my gun.
Your gun or your life.
It’s so crazy that so many people are wrong about guns, and none of them are me.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen; guns will be here all week.
Don’t forget to shoot your bartender.
But seriously, what’s the deal with guns?
Hiss
the robot in me wants out the koala wants in eucalyptus dreaming hibiscus heart, slow sloth-like, claws reaching up carrying away the quiet nondenominational and righteous
the quiet in me the loudest tinnitus here it is, a hum presented as an echo in a myocardial dish it is rose quartz; cold it warms to the touch it wants to be touched is it online is it enjoying a sale etsyable, dollaring, does it cart to cart
the calm in me spreads this tin cup bedazzle that only the crows will touch the lemonest lighthouse is it precious? it is common as ore how do I explain luminous how do I break down diamonds, gold to the Barbie in me tell her how plastic is made, how rubber how to walk her through high heels to pointy-toed whereabouts. and what a man is made of
and how these stacks of bills in me, ungroomed already been taken care of already atlased, all of the above the world is a mistake
the weight in me wallets the shouldering the liar I am knows I am no Atlas, I am no ox, I am every incident, I am the long distance binoculars of what do we have here, and here, and here
Aren’t you, too, every beast of burden, every Pandora thing turned loose and left for dread
The Heart
Crystal Oliver is a poet and songwriter living in Southern Maryland. Her music is available to stream (look for Crystal Brandt). Her writing has appeared in Bluestem, The Brooklyn Review, The Delmarva Review, Woman, and Southern Maryland: This Is Living. She also directs the Chesapeake Writers’ Conference and is the Editor-in-Chief of EcoTheo Review. Website: http://www.crystal-oliver.com